did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
