and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
