I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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