when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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