then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Randomize
