just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
