Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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