he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
