he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
