woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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