Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Vodka?
Forever.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
