it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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