i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
