Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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