I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
