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• (509): View more from Washington

  That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis

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• (607): View more from New York

  How was dinner with ur grandparents?

  (1-607): View more from New York

  I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.

  (937): View more from Ohio

  Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!

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• (734): View more from Michigan

  you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"

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  17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court

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• (702): View more from Nevada

  He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.

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• (773): View more from Illinois

  After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.

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• (734): View more from Michigan

  The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.

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• (540): View more from Virginia

  i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.

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• (970): View more from Colorado

  I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.

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  These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men

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• (858): View more from California

  Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.

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• (614): View more from Ohio

  I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.

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• (304): View more from West Virginia

  i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy

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• (623): View more from Arizona

  He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.

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• (669): View more from California

  And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach

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• (360): View more from Washington

  I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.

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