Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
