you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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