I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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