You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
