just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
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then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
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She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize