Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
