Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
