as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
