I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's shark week go big or go home
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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