hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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