You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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