im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
sex in a hospital.. check
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
