just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
