went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
