You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
