If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
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