On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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