i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
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I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
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Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.