the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success