I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
