I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
