Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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