i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
