They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
