No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
