my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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