I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
