I wanna bring you to show and tell
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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