we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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