Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
