i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
