At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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