Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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