that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
