either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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