I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
