he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
