I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
