I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
