We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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