all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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